the bee hive chronicles

This year, for my family, has not been an easy one. We are just sort of riding a challenging wave. A wave we’ve been on for several months.

I believe we all ride these waves at some point. And, my people are made of strong stock. My Italian background is riddled with tragic and very sad tales (a large part of one side of my family’s last name is Saro). I am a little too optimistic of a person to believe I am destined for the same, but at times I have wondered…

Through this uphill climb, my family has spent a lot of time together, loving one another and snuggling in close. We watch a lot of Friends. We eat a lot of yummy homemade food, which is the catalyst for spending as much time as possible around the table talking about every little thing. There is always so much to talk about.

And, we all read A LOT.

While I pour most of my energy into my family – the Bee Hive has taken a bit of a backseat. My focus is honed in elsewhere – thus the no events or book clubs or writing workshops or blog posts, etc. The spaciousness for creativity is limited.

I spend a lot of time feeling bad about this. I look at Instagram posts of other bookstores and all that they are doing and all that they offer their communities and I feel like a total failure. And, like the Bee Hive has slid into mediocrity.

“We will forever sit around the table and talk.
And, we will always turn to books for comfort.”

And, yet…this is where things are.

Despite the lack of offerings at the moment, I am very grateful for the opportunity to be able to possibly extend some comfort to my community, and beyond, through books. Because, either collectively or individually, we all are always going through something. And, whether it is by people coming into the store and something jumping off the shelf for them that is exactly what they need. Or, customers using the website to order books of whatever genre they are looking for. I am very aware that the books people choose and what they read is incredibly personal and private. And, I am extremely honored to be trusted with the information that other people are taking in at any given moment. And, of course, so appreciative that they support the Bee Hive with their book orders. Especially those that might be easier to just have arrive at their front door.

As far as the waves go…it is necessary to remember that you can’t ride the same one forever.

This particular one my family is on, while painful, has also been beautiful in that we have grown very strong. And, close. We laugh deeply – and with appreciation – at the ridiculous, ironic, and hysterical. We will forever sit around the table and talk. And, we will always turn to books for comfort. And, probably, also…Friends.

While this cycle may be a less outgoing one, there is a more creative, bustling one on the horizon.

The Bee Hive, as its own entity, stands patient. As long as it is filled with books and people come in and out of it – it is, for the most part, doing its job.

I work to take cues from that contentment.

And, I look forward to the inspired and focused energy and creativity that the next wave is sure to bring.

I am not sure why, but somehow, when I was in college – I was very aware of the need to milk the experience in every way I could. Someone, somewhere, said to me at some point – this is your opportunity to spend time learning and studying about whatever you want. This is a block of time – such as you will probably never have again.

I heard it. And, I took it to heart.

In every way.

After, starting out at a small, private, liberal arts school – which is what I thought I was supposed to do. I ended up transferring to University of New Mexico – long story, but in a few words: Albuquerque on a summer road trip with my sister, spotted a cute Native American guy riding a bike on UNM campus. At the time, that was all it took…Well, the cute guy and…the clouds in the ocean-like sky of which I had never seen the likes of before…

Randomly moving to Albuquerque, New Mexico (I am a Los Angeles native by way of New York-transplant parents) sort of clicked everything into place for me. I worked at a coffee shop – the one right across from campus where all the cool kids hung out at. And, fairly quickly, became a part of a web-like community full of an eclectic mix of artists, musicians, grad students, and college graduates.

I opted out of a BA in English for a BA in University Studies – meaning, instead of, as I saw it, wasting my time on science and math and other subjects that I would have been required to take for a degree in English (and were difficult for me because of my pretty severe dyslexia) – I could choose what I wanted to take, as long as I met the credit requirements. So, I took every literature course I could – along with film and some art and music history. I read, discussed, and wrote – one semester, 25 papers – my way through college.

All the reading and writing and discussing of books that I did during that time was definitely happening in tandem with a life full of, and rich with – music.

I fell, fast and hard, in love with a drummer – actually, an extremely intelligent guy with multiple degrees. But, his amazing record collection and the full drum kit in our living room was an added bonus.

*Abundant live music, dance parties, strumming George Jones songs on the back porch, and green chile-laden potlucks and camping trips inevitably breaking out into jam sessions were very regular events, I think, we all took for granted.

“I took every literature course I could…I read, discussed, and wrote – one semester, 25 papers – my way through college.”

For me, the words and thoughts of Virginia Woolf, Flannery O’Connor, James Joyce, and Mark Twain – were infused with the lyrics and sounds of Liz Phair, Juliana Hatfield, Yo La Tengo – and, Coltrane, Mingus, and Parker. My mind and perspective were expanded – equally – by both.

Life definitely followed a cycle of long, oppressively-hot Albuquerque summer days; moody, chile-smoked fall evenings; and cheap, poorly heated structures-cold winters…

Still.

It was stretching. It was freedom. It was community. All to a constantly revolving stellar soundtrack.

Such a specific moment…Rather than as much time as possible on screens – we spent as little time as possible. It was all about in real life connection. We all worked really hard in whatever we were striving toward, but – then we would come together…

Those four years profoundly shaped who I am, at the core.

That time is my point of context for my priorities, my values, my desires, my parenting, my perspective, my cultural and artistic sensibilities…

It was luxurious in that I lived so simply – yet so fully. With curiosity. And passion. Love. And, focus on satiating my hunger for learning.

There have been times since then when I have wondered what my twenty-three year old self would think of my life. Would she be proud? Disappointed? Ashamed? Underwhelmed? Overwhelmed?

I feel there have been moments that would cause her to cringe. In fact I have been very aware of such moments.

But, I do feel that perhaps I have gotten to a window where she would think I was okay.

I feel that the recent transformation of the Bee Hive is an opportunity to make my younger, clear-eyed, less-muddled self proud.

She would be excited, I think, about being the owner of an independent, community-based book store. Surrounded by books by ridiculously impressive women writers, thinkers, researchers, and change-makers. She would be proud to run a business that works hard every day to nurture community and connection. She would be into being around cool kids – of every age – on a regular basis. And, I think, she would think the Bee Hive playlists aren’t bad.

That moment…

We were all working so hard to be able to go on to whatever was ahead.

But, really, we had it all.

I mean other then the gorgeous and amazing offspring that has since transpired…

We had what people sometimes search their whole lives for without ever finding.

Living fully in the moment. Surrounded by opportunities to learn, grow, and create. Music around every corner. And, people – to love, support, debate, bounce ideas off of, and connect with on a daily basis.

And…mucho green chile.

*Other then the incredibly rich local music scene, Albuquerque, at the time, was the stop over between Texas and California for many touring bands. EVERYONE played in Albuquerque’s, mostly small, venues. There were typically so many live shows in the Fall, that we used to refer to October as Rock-tober.

It won’t be the same again. I mean – it could, maybe some day, potentially, feel like it did before.

But.

It won’t…

ever be the same again.

What we all have been through, this past year, it is more weighty then – just – bouncing back. As if – nothing ever happened.

Yes, we will probably go to movies and out to dinner and over to other people’s houses again. Eventually.

But.

I feel – changed. I feel the Bee Hive is – changed. I feel the community around Bee Hive – is changed.

And, I want to honor that.

I can’t say that I am not fearful – to open the doors again – to the public. To put myself and my family and the Bee Hive in that vulnerable position.

And, honestly, I have no idea when that will happen.

With out of town visitors sure to start rushing in again. I am weary. And gun-shy. And, in no hurry.

As with most, my kids have been in the situation of being home for the past year. It has taken an almost ridiculous sort of juggle (as so many parents have experienced) – running the Bee Hive while tending to Cash and Olive’s emotional, academic, and psychological health at the same time. Unfortunately, I have not quite honed my superhero powers enough to succeed at fulfilling the need and desire to be in two places at once. Yet, Olive and Cash always trump everything else. And I wonder how and when that complicated juggle may subside. Just a little.

But, I have had a lot of time. Alone in the Bee Hive. To think. Mull over. And, really form in which direction I want it be of service in its next phase. How to make the most of this opportunity at a rebirth.

What’s come out of the lengthy process of mulling – is a sort of reflection of the journey this last year has taken me on personally.

“I have had a lot of time. Alone in the Bee Hive. To think. Mull over….How to make the most of this opportunity at a rebirth.”

Lots of cooking. Lots of time at home. A desire to improve on who I am – mind and spirit. A desire to improve on how I am in this world. A desire to read women writers – fiction, poetry, memoirs. A desire to experience other places. A desire to stay well – both physically and emotionally. Robustly so.

A desire…for the Bee Hive to serve a more diverse crowd.

And so –  I have been ordering books. Not just a few here and there.

But, hundreds of new titles for Bee Hive.

Women’s fiction. Lots and lots of fiction by women writers of all kinds. As well as poetry and memoirs. Non-fiction by scientists, social activists, and politicians.

Gorgeous books about food – cooking it and growing it. And, mixing a mean cocktail.

Books that show other people’s homes. In all sorts of lovely, amazing settings.

Books about self-improvement and wellness.

And, because customers have been asking me for years – just more grown up books – male authors included! – in general.

So fun!

And super scary.

There have been no kids books sacrificed in this process – I swear.

In fact, in the midst of my shifting and recreating – my ten-year-old son came in the store, he looked around, and said in awe, “It looks like Christmas morning…”

So – I believe – it is kid-approved.

And, I hope – very much grown up approved.

It is not the pre-pandemic Bee Hive. All the toys and puzzles and the beanbag chair are gone. I am not sure how they could not be.

At this moment in time – I can’t imagine another story time as of before: small space, lots of kids and parents touching books, each other, and sharing instruments and scarfs.

But – something else – something that feels safe and comfortable and appropriate will take the place when the time is right…

And, I am hopeful, that there will be other events on offer to serve a broader audience. And, perhaps, help recreate connection among us that have been starving for it – for each other, for way too long.

My thought is perhaps an oasis can be provided.

Well, that’s the idea, anyway.

Both in a carefully thought-out selection of books.

And, in those that they bring together…

In the meantime – this transition – not just between the past, present, and future of Bee Hive, but also the bridge between a world of people getting sick – and safety – is challenging. And, uncharted. And, uncertain. And, I feel, needs to be taken incredibly seriously.

So, the Bee Hive’s timeline is…day by day.

I promise though – things are on the way to being bright and shiny. And different. And, I hope, in the process of becoming better than before.

Because…

You all deserve better than before.

XOX